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(no subject)

Apr. 11th, 2017 | 08:47 pm

i never thought i could properly fit in in a company, or find a place where i could be properly valuable. my hire as an engineer allows our one and only head engineer some room to breathe, where he has me draw for the less urgent but still necessary projects, or throws me all the little bits of his work to clean, while i also provide structural and manufacturing related feedback for the designer to work with, and for aesthetics and some plain common sense to throw back at my supervisor. i see now how important it is for engineers to be around to ensure designers do not get carried away with their graphical projections that are completely structurally unsound, unlike how i always imagined they wouldve had a degree of training in the fundamentals of structural integrity and such. likewise with my own arts inclinations and my persistance in witholding development until i see the entire picture, i get to hold him back so we do things nicely and well. i feel like they had gaps between the two entities of design and engineering all this while and i fill it in and hold them together nicely. 

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(no subject)

Apr. 4th, 2017 | 01:41 am

if parents disapproval of their children's decisions be it in choice of partner or lifestyle or sexuality is "how would others think", dependant on other people's expectations and norms, exactly how do you ever expect your children to gain respect when you don't respect them enough for others to respect them, or respect yourself enough for others to respect you in your choice to support them? Grown ass people still living off other people's opinions, while your child is soaring in maturity finding themselves and accepting themselves despite all the hardship you and your worthless opinions have given them.

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(no subject)

Mar. 15th, 2017 | 01:30 am

why am I so sad I am so frustrated at myself right now can't fucking keep up with my own emotions

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(no subject)

Mar. 15th, 2017 | 12:28 am

went for a company dinner last night and with the moderate booze and my own moderate smoked I somehow managed to ease myself enough around them, and today I woke up completely knackered for the first day of my work. and then I stayed back late too because things were just too all over the place for me to get right. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I've been proudly told the business runs so productively everyone inevitably stays back late. But it is a start up after all, I guess that can't be helped. And a start up it surely is with the tiny dozen-human powered business with a long backlog of projects, and hardly any time for any of them to properly train me. It's always intimidating to me, learning the unfamiliar or throwing yourself in where you require confidence. University, decathlon, hello bicycle.. I was always so nervous the first few days, the first any experience that hadn't anything to do with simply helping out out of empathy. I learned in polytechnic that I was much better off executing very well from instructions rather than to lead an entire team solely on my own judgment for things I don't know well. You know when I can lead people? Birthday surprises.

I felt pretty happy about this place I stumbled upon and the seemingly matched environment it was to my skills set, or the prospects it is providing me.. But at the end of the day I start to feel like a liar again. I don't feel like I'm particularly good at anything at all.

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(no subject)

Feb. 18th, 2017 | 01:48 am

Been a while since I had the privilege of being on the phone with lover as he sleeps... They could be ten or twenty minute long silences before he rouses sleepily to say hello again to me or to say he loves me or wants to marry me. He's so precious to me.

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(no subject)

Feb. 7th, 2017 | 04:31 am

If ever someone asks me if I believe in heaven, my answer shall be "when enraptured by Alim" and it will be in the hands of the vocabulary capacity of the audience to decipher its connotations

I could possibly never be religious but I could almost firmly believe Alim to be a creation of God, a creature so adorned with incredible beauty, charm and poise, specifically made to disarm me into vulnerability

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(no subject)

Feb. 7th, 2017 | 03:40 am

The aftertaste of wine in my mouth. The wild scramble of my tongue in your mouth.

It was now me who came to melt in your hands.

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(no subject)

Jan. 18th, 2017 | 06:01 am

I was the last person who could see him after his trip away and even his first exam. I could hardly take a good look at him, rushing into the front seat of the car, beside his friend. But it wasn't long before his left hand came around from behind me to tell me he was there. Wrapped around the front of my neck. Holding up under my chin. Finger on my lips. I cradled his hand with my own. It was confusing and slightly discomposing - was this offer to be of companionship, or was it ownership that it meant?

I learnt that I could hold his fingers instead

That night it was my turn. He melted in my hands.

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(no subject)

Dec. 26th, 2016 | 10:39 pm



even though i've generally known the lyrics it's my first time actually singing the entire song & realizing the complete symmetry to what had been going on with my heart back then... Christmas 2008, 2009, 2010

/:

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(no subject)

Dec. 22nd, 2016 | 04:42 am

good lord I'm so exhausted from crying all alone and so hard it's the first in so long and it hasn't got to do with lover at all, it's my father

my eyes sting and hurt so much

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